Highview Episcopal Chuch of Christ Ascension

Embrace the Apocalypse & Jesus Will Reward You

2009-01-17T02:46:00.004-05:00

Brothers and Sisters,

It is with a heavy heart today that I announce the closing of Highview Episcopal Church of Christ Ascension.

Yes, my fellow Christian warriors, this coming Sunday shall see Highview’s final service conducted in a free and democratic America.

Immediately following the service will be a Farewell Function, wherein those enrolled in our Tribulation Great Escape Silver and Gold Packages will bid adieu to our less fortunate (or more obstinate) brothers and sisters in Christ.

As a reminder to those not already signed up: Monday, January 19th is the last day on which you may purchase a Great Escape Package, thereby ensuring a safe and Holy sanctuary to wait out the End Times. Absolutely no admittance will be permitted to the compound after 12:00 Monday afternoon (4:00 PM for those wishing to pay with cash or credit card).

Also, treasurer Sister Lager-Jenkins would like to announce an upgrade to those in our Silver and Gold Packages: we will have live HD video feed on January 20th of President-elect Barack Obama’s inauguration.

Yes, friends: you’ll watch in HIGH DEFINITION as Satan sheds his earthly deception! You will see in HIGH DEFINITION as he defiles God’s chosen people! Watch on the 54-inch plasma screen as Beelzebub rends the earth asunder to loose his hellfiends upon the unsuspecting.

We the staff would also like to take this time to thank Pastor Moonjava for his learned, wise leadership of Jesus’ flock since his seizure of power four years ago, as well as his purge of the Tainted Ones.

As you all know, Pastor Moonjava has chosen to forego the comforts of the Compound in order to proselytize to the Lost across this country, fighting ‘til the blow of the Final Trumpet for the souls of all who’ll listen!

For those remaining behind, Pastor Moonjava has promised to update this blog as often as possible. Pending internet broadband access or Satanic interference of course.

And may God have mercy on your souls!

-Deacon Ribald

Please Do NOT Eat the Salad

2008-07-27T15:26:00.001-04:00

Merry Blessed Day, good Christians!

The staff here at Highview would like to thank everyone who attended Save a Nonbeliever Day on Saturday and helped make it a resounding success!

The church added 11 new members to its roster, and we look forward to seeing our new brothers and sisters in Christ every Wednesday night and Sunday morning, eager and willing to donate lavishly to the organization responsible for the salvation of their eternal souls.

It is however, my sad duty to announce the excommunication of member Roberta Pugilist Tritonsrear-Logsdon, nee Riggs. As many of you aware, she has been warned repeatedly over the years to curb her sinful and disruptive behavior at church-sponsored events. Unfortunately, it has been uncovered that she spent the days preceding our Save a Nonbeliever Day engaged in conduct unbecoming a good Christian and produce consumer.

Accordingly, we ask that anyone who partook of Ms. Tritonsrear-Logsdon’s zucchini and eggplant salad to submit themselves to blood tests being given (free of charge) following this Sunday’s sermon. Additionally, we have been told by doctors and our lawyer to ask said congregation members to refrain from any and all marital relations with their spouses until cleared by our doctor.

For further information, pamphlets and FAQ sheets will be made available outside my office, or you may follow this link to the CDC.

-Deacon Ribald

To pEN A rESPONSE

2008-07-25T12:24:00.005-04:00

HELLO feloow solders of CHRIST

decon RIBald told me to bee carful in whut i write, but im all tuckered frum the voicesWHY??? BE QUIET VOICES!11!
Yes, the demonsthey are everywhere and nowhere! BEWaRe the demons who dress inN the garb of the evil ONE – 1 – THE evil one (1), (1), (01)!

i GoT A coment from a reeder:

Dear Pastor Moonjava

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I recently had a epithany and I am attempting to study, learn, and follow God's direction as best I can and trying to live per that direction.

People who are not as well verused in the teachings of our Lord however have not been taking my new found knowledge knowledge as well as I would have imagined. My only conclusion is that the Devil and his demons are more numerous than I would have imagined.

I have a few questions that you can help me with. I have not been able to convince my associates of the validity of a couple of our Lord's directions on how we should live as a society and be truely happy –

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

1. if they are not of the WAY, it is PLEesing to the lord to smite them and smite them with xtrem prejudice

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

2. thats blastvemous!1 how shuld a patstor know tudays pricing?/? as my lawwers will tell you i a’int in humn traffikng no mor! Bediseds that, impossble to know snice i dont knuw whur your locatted. aS A GENerall rul of thumb, free market si influanced by both suply and demand, so shop around. hiNT; hte poor econamy inducates its not a sellers market. mite wanta wait til market improves. SoRRY

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

3. if a women is escortED BY A Man, his very presunce is pruf that lady is not in her uncleen phase, as hes the 1 otta know. buT if a womens is nt escorted by a men, its her duty to inform anny male she sees that shes uncleen. Sshe cin do so in ayn number of ways:
-Weering a tshirt wha t says “im uncleen no be neer me mens!”
-Holding a sine what says “run away mens! Im durty uncleen!”
-yelling evry 10 secunds, “mak pot legul!”
If she anit doing nune of these, ist your duty as a men to mak submit to eth will of God via brokun beer bottle, swtchblad or assult rivfle. Laws may vary in your areeaa, sum reestriktions apply!

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

4.your neighbor is coorrect! Yoou cannot own canadeans men CAUSe theyre generally wite.canadean womens ok.

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

5,no. its okay if you wanna hir someone TO DO it(not on Sabbath tho), or incit the towns reezidents to do it fer you(stoning only. Not ok to run over as curs werent ROUND BEfur 1802 bcd.)

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

6. all abomination os sinfull. Its rite in the eyes of eht Lord to stone, stab or beet to deth those who eat shellfish just as its rite in the yeys of the Lord to stONE stAb or beet the gays.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

7. glasses are ok, bifocals are ok, monocles are NOT ok, but glasses brok in half and used as monocle is ok, sO SAYth the Lord

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

8. het Lord is merciful on this subject, and leves it to your discretion. Praise Jesus!

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

9.only if the gloves are made of pigskin. Note that this is the only time God permist the weering of pigskin gloves. I reckon its cause pigsking on pigskin cancels each others out.

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help advise me in how to win over the nonbelievers the the true path.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

10. its ok to to buRN THEM To deth but only if you post ADverts around town apollogizing to those who wanted to help stone theM.

REMembeR always the WorDS OF St James of Erasthmus street: SSo who took my money?! WhY ARe you weering my pants?!1

PRAise the lord!1!

Save a Nonbeliever Day

2008-07-17T12:29:00.001-04:00

Hello Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

This is just a reminder that the church will be having its annual Save a Nonbeliever Day on Saturday, July 26th.

Please remember that as good Christians, it is our duty to convert even those who might otherwise scorn, humiliate or even physically assault us.
That being said, I ask that everyone remember last year’s “incident” with the local chamber of commerce.

While we the staff at Highview Episcopal respect the sentiment behind some of our congregation’s actions, it is ILLEGAL in the eyes of the law – if not God – to spike a person’s drink with sleeping pills, restrain him or her, and attempt conversion against his or her will. Accordingly, we ask that members obey ALL state and federal laws in requesting the presence of a friend or neighbor.

On a related note, last Sunday’s donations came up short of our weekly goal. Thus, meeting court-mandated restitution requires the canceling of Sunday School classes until further notice.

-Deacon Ribald

We Welcome You

2008-07-02T13:26:00.011-04:00

Onward Christian Soldiers,

Hello, we welcome everyone here at Highview Episcopal Church of Christ Ascension.

Feel free to visit our Page of Prayers. Whether you are a member seeking the Lord's help or wish to ask for prayers for others, especially pagan and atheist non-believing abominations, we welcome all requests.

Feel free to contact me via email. I will serve as the staff's liason with you, the unwashed masses, as the good reverend is usually too immersed in conversation with the Lord to be bothered.

-Deacon Ribald